What comes next?

So you like someone. And you’ve told them you like them. And this person happens to be your friend. And through some miraculous act of fate, they like you back.

What now?

You both know there is no future, you both know one person likes the other more, you both know that it’ll take the other person a while to get there, you both know that by the time they get there it might be a bit late. What do you do?

Do you take it slow and see where things go? Or do you call time of death on something that hasn’t even been given the chance to live and blossom? If you take it slow, how exactly do you navigate from being friends to being more? How do you convince yourself to stop being scared? How do you look at yourself in the mirror and say ‘Just let the fear go’?

Can you let go of the fear? What if things go south and the amazing connection you have with this person goes down the crapper? And all because you couldn’t keep a lid on yourself.

And what if, the worst thing you could ever imagine happens? What if your biggest fear gets realised? What if they don’t actually like you, and they’re just under some sort of obligation to try because they’re your friend.

I don’t think I’m the only one who has faced such a situation and by reading this post, you can imagine which of the two people I am.

This was just me rambling and letting out my deepest fears. Well, may be not all but at least some of them.

Can anyone relate?

Until next time

Live long and prosper.

May the Force be with you.

The feeling of a crush

When I started writing this a few days ago, it was supposed to be a post about how much I love having crushes on people. About how there is something so liberating about having a crush on someone. It was supposed to be about that and about how I don’t think I’m pretty enough for this guy, but let’s not go down that rabbit hole shall we?

Now, this has become about me liking this someone instead of just having a crush. It started out innocently enough, with the playful smiles and twinkling eyes and the comments, which were actually sexual innuendos (that tradition still stands though, it’s just one of those friendships I guess). Anyway, it was painfully chaste when it started. So chaste that I didn’t even realise I was starting to like this person because up until then he was just some person I saw fairly regularly and had a laugh with.

Then I go on holiday and when I come back, suddenly it’s different. There is now more flirting that I thought there would be. Suddenly, I’m feeling butterflies in the pit of my stomach every time I get a long, disarming look. All of a sudden, hugs are starting to mean more and glances are more long and meaningful (from my end anyway).

And then I also realise that I am totally and completely screwed. This is not someone that I can afford to like. Because what happens after me liking him? Nothing.

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If I tell him that I like him, and he doesn’t then AWKWARD. And if he does, then there is a high possibility I will ruin it in some way or the other. But the most probable scenarios is that he doesn’t think of me that way. And I’m almost 95% sure that he doesn’t. I mean, come on! But that’s fine you know, it happened to me and it didn’t happen to him, that’s perfectly understandable. There was no rule written anywhere that he HAS to have feelings for me just because I have them for him.

So what I’ve decided is that I’m going to enjoy the warm, fuzzy feeling I get when I see him and let it be. I’m going to ‘go with the flow’ as they say it and try to not overthink and overanalyze the whole thing to death.

I guess that’s it from me this time around. I have a really sad love life which is non existent most of the time. Anyway, let’s not open that Pandora’s box.

Until next time

Live long and prosper.

May the Force be with you.

Fiction & Me

So I have gone and done something completely insane. I’ve written short fiction. And this is a big deal for me because I have a tendency to go on and on when I’m writing. I have no stopping point. And I love run on sentences and rambles and everything else. See. I’ve been rambling about the same thing.

Point is, I’ve written fiction and I want feedback.

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So here it is. I would appreciate any and all constructive criticism even if it means you telling me you think it sucks. I don’t mind. Okay, here goes:

Hero

He walked into my life much like a Hindi film hero would when making his entry in said film. Full on tashan, a confident swagger and a charming grin on his lips as he held onto my shoulder for dear life to prevent me from falling.

I had, of course, been skipping and bouncing carelessly in the hallowed corridors of my office building during one of many smoke breaks. And true to my careless nature, the water on the floor had completely escaped my notice resulting in the almost slipping and falling flat on my face incident. I was sure that in a split second I would have been hugging the floor.

I had closed my eyes in anticipation of the fall when I realised that somehow I was still standing, albeit a bit slanted but vertical nonetheless and not horizontal.

Slowly opening my eyes, the first thing I noticed were eyes the color of melted honey staring back at me with a slight twinkle. The charming grin and strong grip followed that observation.

I am convinced that if my life were a movie, the background song would be Salman Khan’s version of ‘Main Hoon Hero Tera’. Music makes up a very powerful part of our lives without us even realising it. We often tend to associate moments in our lives with songs or music that means something to us that resonates with us on a level that we don’t quite understand fully. But I digress.

“Are you okay?” he asked me softly.

The concern in his tone was evident but I was distracted by his hair that was falling softly onto his forehead. I had of course seen him around the building before but this was probably the first time I was being given the opportunity to observe my subject of interest so closely.

On not getting a coherent reply from me, he helped me stand slowly and gently nudged my shoulder. He looked at me with a small smile on his face as he politely waited for me to snap back to reality.

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine”, I exclaimed.

“Thanks for helping. I’m pretty clumsy like that”, I continued.

“Personally, I think the skipping and bouncing is cute. But I’m surprised you haven’t fallen before today”, he said slyly.

Sometimes with some people, there is a spark that you can just feel. Most of the time you can’t explain why or how it is there, just that it is. I was having one of those moments and something told me he was too. Maybe it was the earnest smile or the mischief in his eyes.

Gaining control of my sense very quickly, I cocked my head to one side and looked at him with a smirk.

“Oh so you’ve noticed it before?” I said.

The shy smile that replaced the earnest look on his face told me I was right. He had felt it too.

He slowly raised his right hand and extended it to ruffle the back of his head; a sure sign of sheepishness.

“It’s kind of hard to not notice you”, he said.

“I sincerely hope you mean that in the good way”, I said immediately.

He looked at me directly, held my gaze for a beat and nodded.

“Of course”, he said.

The gaze held me captured for maybe 2 or 3 seconds; we were having one of those moments I mentioned earlier and I was enthralled. Suddenly a rather familiar voice at the other end of the corridor screamed for me.

“Oye! Drama queen, are you coming?”

Startled, I looked to the other end to see my friend standing there, waving to get my attention. I smiled at him one last time and started walking in her direction.

“I’m Ishaan by the way!” he said a bit loudly from behind me.

I smiled to myself and turned over my right shoulder to give him my best profile look and my sunniest smile.

“Good, I’m Simran”, I said.

“So, I’ll see you soon?” Ishaan asked.

“Maybe”, I said smiling as I turned into the corridor.

-Fin-

So thoughts, comments? Love it? Hate it? Not sure?

Let me know!

Until next time,

Live long and prosper.

May the Force be with you!

Innocence in Love No More??

Hello one. Hello all.

There is no particular point to this post and it’s probably going to be super short also but I just had something on my mind. I was watching this old Hindi movie which had a lot of subtle romance and eye locks and the little things that people do when they’re in love.

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It got me thinking: has the innocence disappeared in this day and age? The movie I was watching came out in the late 90’s, so I basically grew up on this type of romance. The type of love that makes you smile the second you think about it. The kind of romance that isn’t in your face and one that isn’t bandied about on social media.

Yeah, such romance used to exist.

People didn’t always have Facebook to declare their love on. They actually used to talk about their feelings in person and not write on each others’ wall saying ‘I love you’. But I digress. As always.

I was asking: has the innocence gone? I mean how many people actually look at someone across the room and give them dopey, secretive, I’m-in-love-with-you smiles. Or how many couples look into each others’ eyes and sit in silence just soaking in that glorious feeling of being in love?

I’ve been out of the relationship game for a while so I don’t know how it works anymore. But I’m a closeted romantic so for me, all of this is more important than the public displays of affection that I am subjected to on a daily basis.

It is what it is.

Until next time,

Live long and prosper.

May the Force be with you.

Bitter Hag Syndrome (BHS) & Cynicism Galore!

I don’t know if I’ve said this before but I am super cynical. Or at least, I’ve become super cynical. I wasn’t always like this. I was a pretty happy and relatively normal person. I’m not saying I’m not happy now but I’m just bitter. Like really bitter. I call it the Bitter Hag Syndrome (BHS).

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I was sitting with a friend the other day and we were talking about how we’ve lost all faith in love and life at the age of 23 and 25 respectively. Like we’re too young to be this bitter about life. But as it turns out, we’ve both been through our fair share of shit. So becoming a bit closed off is normal. But I’m just straight up bitter and cynical and she’s well on her way to becoming a lot like me.

The world does not need another cynic.

But this whole thing got me thinking. Why the hell am I so bitter? Because I’m single? No, I figured that the problem runs deeper than that. Being single is the best thing that’s happened to me. The reason all of this cynicism and bitterness is present is that it’s in my head. Because I am literally living in my head.

Being alone and being lonely are two different things. I think a lot of my recent mood swings have been because I’m lonely, not because I’m alone.

I don’t get it. Why do we let trivial things like boys and relationships control such a large portion of our lives? But I found a solution for that also. Take all your anger and energy and frustration and direct it towards something productive and meaningful like your career. Or something.

Okay, now I really don’t know what this post was supposed to be about.

But it is what it is.

Until next time.

Live long and prosper.

May the Force be with you.

I may not be a pretty face.. but I’m hella smart

The age old saying is “Never judge a book by it’s cover” and that’s something that’s been on my mind recently. Before I start, this is by no means a rant; just my opinion and observation.

I live in Dubai, a city that is all about glamour and luxury. And, I work in the publishing industry which is again, all about what’s hot and what sells the most. It’s only obvious that I am constantly surrounded by things and people that are all about what’s on the outside rather than what’s on the inside.

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90% of the time, in this city, instant judgements are made on the basis of physical appearance: what you wear, how you look, what size you are. Sometimes the judgement is fine, but not if you have to deal with it on a daily basis. I’m a relatively big girl. I always have. There was this phase in between when I wasn’t quite so big and I was fine with myself even then. I’m fine with myself even now.

But I know I need to become “less big” if I want to make it big in my work life. And I am working on that.

But what bugs me a little is that people care more about the looks than the brains. I’m not a big fan of that. I just believe that it shouldn’t matter. The way you look has nothing to do with the kind of person you are, or what your personality is.

I just believe that as long as you’re a nice person, nothing else should matter. I always say be what you want to be and I stand by that statement. If you want to be a unicorn, be a unicorn. If you want to be a potato, be a potato. Actually, don’t be a potato because then I might be forced to eat you and I really don’t want to do that. The point is, as long as you’re a nice person, who cares?

And I can say all of this because I’ve been on both sides; when I was big and when I wasn’t and now I’m back to being big. Fun times. It’s like a god damn roller coaster.

What was I saying? Yeah, my point is that everyone has something that makes them special and unique and I strongly believe that you should just hold onto that as tightly as you can. It will help you in the long run and set you apart from the crowd.

People can be douchey and mean and judgemental on the basis of looks. Ignore them. Just ignore and do not engage. It’s what I do.

I should mention that I’m typing this when I should be researching something online for work considering how it’s still a working day but eh, it’s fine.

So I’m not sure how many people will agree with me but again, it’s fine. This is what was on my mind and I wanted to express it here, so I did.

Until next time,

Live long and prosper.

May the Force be with you.

Actions have consequences

Yes yes, it’s been a while but I haven’t had much to say in recent times. Okay, that might not be true. I just haven’t been in the best of moods off late. I’ve been binge watching Suits Season 1 through 5 and it got me thinking about life and the decisions we make.

I think it was Mike Ross in Suits who said actions have consequences and that line really stayed with me. It is true isn’t it?! I mean it was Newton’s law as well “every action has an equal and opposite reaction”. So all of this means that every single decision we make in our lives has an effect on not just us and our lives but also on the lives of the people around us.

The thought scares me sometimes. I can’t handle my own life, imagine having to be accountable for someone else’s as well. But I guess what I’m trying to get at here is that whenever we make a conscious decision, it would serve us well to remember that sometimes you can never go back no matter how hard you try.

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Once you’ve crossed the line and gone over to the other side, there is a 99% chance that you are never coming back. Even if you want to. Even if some time afterwards you find yourself ready to try and take the plunge again; you realise that the chance is gone. Not because you took too much time to make another decision. But because someone else made a decision that affected your life.

I know this sounds super confusing but if you knew where I was coming from right now you would know what I mean.

In any case, if this makes sense, let me know.

Until next time

Live long and prosper.

May the Force be with you!

An Unfortunate Crush and My Sad Saga

So I’ve recently had a rather unfortunate crush… I know having a crush on some cute guy sounds painfully high school of me but what to do… I’m single and rather bored.

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I walk into this intense fitness class a few days back praying to every God there is that the cute instructor who works there is not the one taking what is known as the ‘weight loss batch’. Because let’s face it… I’m fat and I need to lose weight… desperately! (side note: I am trying very hard though and have had some success).

So back to my story.. I walk in and of course, because my luck is shit… the cute instructor who I happen to have a massive crush on is there. And he’s taking the class.

Now I’m not one of those chicks who looks very good when working out… I sweat like crazy, become red in the face and because of my size, I look like a whale.

So imagine my sense of desperation when I realised that for an entire hour I would have to engage in a high intensity workout in front of a guy I’m besotted with. And what a disaster it was!

About half an hour into the class, I gave up. I literally could not move my feet let alone care about what this guy thought of me. So I gave up. And of course, when I was leaving I absolutely refused to make eye contact with him and ran out of there as if someone had lit a fire under my ass.

The point of this story is that we all have unfortunate crushes. Crushes that we wish would work out but for some reason (such as my general whale-like appearance in my case). If only there was a way to screen these crushes.

So here’s my sad saga. If someone has a similarly embarrassing story, do tell!

Until next time,

Live long and prosper.

May the Force be with you

PS: My grand plan is to lose a ton of weight and go back for his class and then show off my new non whale like look!

The life expectancy of a relationship

So of course, I’ve been meaning to write this down all day but as I’ve said before, I become particularly lazy on Fridays. It’s the one day in the week when I can stay in bed and do nothing. I aint wasting it!

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and more importantly, friendships. I’ve had a lot of friends in my not so long life and I’ve learnt something from every friendship. For instance, I think it is completely possible for a guy and girl to be friends with NO romantic entanglements whatsoever.

But that’s not the point I was trying to make. So the other day I was hanging out with 2 of my friends from my post graduate class and we were talking about how it’s so weird that we’ve all become so close despite not having known each for that long. Like we haven’t even known each other for a year and yet, we’re the best support system for each other, be it in academics or our personal lives or any existential crisis any of us may be having.

And we know for a fact, that IF (I don’t think it’ll happen but you never know) we ever lose touch after our post-grad is done, if one day 5 years down the line if any of us calls the other randomly, the friendship will pick up right where we left off. Which is how it should be.
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And then I have also had friends who I have known all my life but don’t speak to for whatever petty reason they have.

The two extremes in my life made me wonder: does a friendship have a shelf life? I personally don’t believe it should or that it does for that matter. But I guess, you do grow out of some people as you go on with life. But that is no excuse for losing friendships.

And believe me, I know a thing or two about losing friends. It happens even though you don’t want it to. And you NEVER see it coming. Trust me on that too!

So what do you think? Does a friendship have a life expectancy? Should it? Have you ever faced a situation like mine where you don’t speak to someone who used to be your best friend once upon a time?

Let me know in the comments so I don’t feel like a complete fail.

Until next time,

Live long and prosper.

May the Force be with you!

Alleged Depression and Eating My Feelings

So in recent times, I’ve had a touch of depression. Or at least that’s what I think it is. It’s kind of hard to tell these days. Anyway, basically I’ve been super mopey and in that headspace where if someone says the wrong thing to me, I either cry or go on a murderous rampage, which is also not a good thing.

I really need to stop with the run-on sentences, but I digress. So yeah, I’ve been pretty down in the dumps about my life and everything else; how I feel completely lonely most days and sometimes all it takes is the wrong song to set me off.

Even now, as I write this, I’m listening to Raabta by Arijit Singh which was the song of MY relationship so naturally it brings back memories. But for a change, the memories aren’t making me sad today.

Back to my point, the depression and constant moping around. How did I deal with it? I ate my feelings. Duh.

People ugly cry, I ugly eat. For real.

Fortunately, no one besides my sister has ever had to witness one of my ‘ugly-eating-my-feelings’ sessions. Thank God for that.

Why do I ugly eat my feelings?

Because it’s better than the alternative; which is to actually deal with my shit and get my act together.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for it. But sometimes, you just need a break because you’re so tired. You need a pause. A moment to yourself, to just let go of your ‘public’ face and just be the mess that you truly are.

This might be applicable for guys, I’m not sure. But I know this sure as hell holds true for women. We binge eat or binge shop or binge drink or whatever. Anything that can help us block out the hurt and pain.

Anything to dull the senses and keep the mind busy.

I decided today that I won’t binge eat anymore, it might be time to move onto the alcohol… for now at least. Or maybe not, we’ll see.

Until next time

Live long and prosper

May the Force be with you.

PS: I do not advocate binge eating or drinking yourself into a stupor for anyone! I do it sometimes because I happen to be an extremely flawed person. Don’t use me as an example for such things.