When I started writing this a few days ago, it was supposed to be a post about how much I love having crushes on people. About how there is something so liberating about having a crush on someone. It was supposed to be about that and about how I don’t think I’m pretty enough for this guy, but let’s not go down that rabbit hole shall we?
Now, this has become about me liking this someone instead of just having a crush. It started out innocently enough, with the playful smiles and twinkling eyes and the comments, which were actually sexual innuendos (that tradition still stands though, it’s just one of those friendships I guess). Anyway, it was painfully chaste when it started. So chaste that I didn’t even realise I was starting to like this person because up until then he was just some person I saw fairly regularly and had a laugh with.
Then I go on holiday and when I come back, suddenly it’s different. There is now more flirting that I thought there would be. Suddenly, I’m feeling butterflies in the pit of my stomach every time I get a long, disarming look. All of a sudden, hugs are starting to mean more and glances are more long and meaningful (from my end anyway).
And then I also realise that I am totally and completely screwed. This is not someone that I can afford to like. Because what happens after me liking him? Nothing.
If I tell him that I like him, and he doesn’t then AWKWARD. And if he does, then there is a high possibility I will ruin it in some way or the other. But the most probable scenarios is that he doesn’t think of me that way. And I’m almost 95% sure that he doesn’t. I mean, come on! But that’s fine you know, it happened to me and it didn’t happen to him, that’s perfectly understandable. There was no rule written anywhere that he HAS to have feelings for me just because I have them for him.
So what I’ve decided is that I’m going to enjoy the warm, fuzzy feeling I get when I see him and let it be. I’m going to ‘go with the flow’ as they say it and try to not overthink and overanalyze the whole thing to death.
I guess that’s it from me this time around. I have a really sad love life which is non existent most of the time. Anyway, let’s not open that Pandora’s box.
Until next time
Live long and prosper.
May the Force be with you.